The Cow, The Ass, The Councillor And The Beef.

I read the other day that a guy in France went to court under the charges of rape. The guy didn't rape a woman, a man, a kid...
No no no no no no no!
He went one step better...
He raped... A cow!!
What?
Yes. A cow.
Okay let's not go into the debate to find out is the guy is nuts or not. He is.
Instead, lets analyze how you can end up with your dick in a cow's arse...
So, you wake up in the morning with your usual boner (if you don't there is something extremely wrong with you), you turn to you girlfriend for a quicky but the turn back and think:
"Hmm... I'm gonna fuck myself a cow today".
Just for having that thought you have nerves.
Okay, so you chose a cow. For those who have spent their entire life in a metropole, this is what a cow look like:


As you can see this is not the prettiest animal on the planet. Also notice the size of it, I will come back to that later...
So we have noticed that the cow is ugly so we can easily acknowledge that it ain't gonna be easy to get your little German soldier up. You need help. Blue pill. And not just one... Lots of them... So you go to the pharmacist and it should go something like that:

- Hi there, could I have 25,000 viagra pills please?
- What the fuck you're gonna do with all these??
- I'm gonna fuck a cow.
- Oh. So you met my ex wife then?
- Mooo?
- What?
- Just load them into the van will you!!

So you got your pills, but there is still a small matter to deal with... The ugliness of a cow's arse. Because we saw the front but believe the back is lot worst!!
The best plan here, in my view is to take the pills accompanied with two bottles of Jack Daniels. Normally after that you should be able to screw anything...
So you approach the cow, and then realize that there is a small problem...
The cow size.
It's big.
And the arse is quite high up...
You need a stool...
You grab one, get on it and start humping...
Well, I am sorry to say, but, humping standing on a stool in a field while totally hammered and armed with a massive hardon isn't the safest thing to do moron!!
And the worst is... You got busted!!

Also, in Germany. A woman got arrested because of the size of her butt. I'm not kidding. Let me tell you the whole story here...
One day, a masked woman enter a bank armed with a gun a raided the bank. I worked. Ran off with the money and the police (who couldn't catch a cold in winter) didn't catch her.
A few weeks after the incident, one of the bank clerk is returning home after work, riding a bus. Then, the guy pick up is mobile phone (cell phone for our North American friends) and ring the police. A police car stop the bus and arrest a woman and that woman is... The masked bank robber!
So one of the policeman ask the guy how he knows it was her and the guy answer:
"Because of the size of her ass. You don't forget something that big."
Wow...


This is huge!
Massive!
That thing has its own zip code!
If you stand 10feet from it, you slide slowly closer to it! Not because you want to! It's fucking gravity!!
But I think that one of the bad thing here for the woman is that...
She isn't remembered for her beautiful eyes...
She isn't remembered for her beautiful hair...
She isn't remembered for her beautiful legs...
Nope... Just the size of her ass...

Do you guys have local? By local I mean a bar or pub where you quite often and everybody knows you in here. Mine is located in an hotel not far from where I live. Usually on Saturday around lunch time there is some football (Soccer) on the TV, so go there and enjoy a couple of beers while watching the match. Sometimes the is a county councillor who comes here to get lunch. So the guy is a pain and very posh, you know... "Hey look at me, I'm in politics, I have lots of newspapers with me, I can read!". Every time the guys gets there he wants one of the TV (there is only two televisions in this bar, one on each sides) to be switched to Sky News (What is Sky News? It's Fox News with an English accent). This means that all the people who are watching the match on that TV have to switch side. Which is a pain.
However, me and my friends have developed a plan to change that...
After a while, I realized that the guy always sat on the same two tables, the one underneath the TV. Never another table. I thought that was odd...
One day I asked my friends if some of them would sit at the table underneath the TV on the left and I would sit with a few friends at the table underneath the TV on the right and see what would happen when the wanker gets in.
So the wanker gets in...
You won't believe this...
The guy goes first to the table on the left, sees my friends and you can see that the guy is not to happy then come over our table and then you see that the guy ain't happy at all and look like an idiot with his fucking newspapers. So the guy look at us and ask us to clear the table, so I asked why and the guy tells me that he needs it to read the papers! I tell him that there is other tables where he can read his fucking newspapers. The guy is furious. He goes to the bar and ask for the bar manager!!
Yep... Bar manager.
The bar manager is a good friend of mine, he is massive and don't like wasting time with wanker. So when I heard that I went to the bar to get a few pints of foam and for most listen to the conversation, he went like that...

- Yes sir, how can I help you?
- I need to sit at this table (pointing to our table).
- There is other tables that are free sir.
- I am a councillor!
- Well fuck off then!

Fair play to him he did!!

Still in the same pub, on Sundays they do carvery lunch. One of the items is roast beef...


You can't avoid the Sunday roast.
I don't know why.
But there you go...
But they also have other items, like turkey, chicken, pork, fish etc...
So every Sundays and I mean every Sundays!! There is two old guys who come and get their lunch there, they are two brothers. Every Sundays they do and eat the same fucking thing. No changes in year!! There is the routine:

1. They go to the carvery and one get roast beef with gravy and the other roast beef without gravy.
2. A bar person will notice them and put two glasses of seven up on the counter (they never eat at a table, always at the bar).
3. They sit and eat and drink the seven ups.
4. The bar person will notice that they are nearly finished and prepare two cup of tea.
5. They finish.
6. The bar person brings the two teas.
7. The bar person brings two scones, butter and jam.
8. They drink the teas and eat the scones.
9. They pay with a fifty euros note.
10. They fuck off.

Every fucking Sundays!!
Man, I don't want to grow old!!